Home of Montreal's finest smoked meat sandwich Tel.: 514 213-1313 or Toll-free 1(866) lesters (537-8377) Thank you for dropping in. Every once in a while I have the pleasure of reading something I consider a real 'eye opener' The following paragraph is one of those quips I will never forget. Hope you enjoy! Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, 'WOW What a Ride!' ________________________________________________________________________ Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away. -- Author: Unknown ________________________________________________________________________ If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do In bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh. _____________________________________________________________________ SAND AND STONE A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, carved into the sand: “TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE. “ They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: “TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE.” The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, 'After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now I save you and you write on a stone, why?' The other friend replied 'When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.' LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them. “Went to a party, Mom” I went to a party, and remembered what you said. You told me not to drink, Mom so I had a Sprite instead. I felt proud of myself, the way you said I would, that I didn’t drink and drive, though some friends said I should. I made a healthy choice, and your advice to me was right as the party finally ended, and the kids drove out of sight. I got into my car, sure to get home in one piece, I never knew what was coming, Mom something I expected least. Now I’m lying on the pavement, And I hear the policeman say, “The kid that caused this wreck was drunk,' Mom, his voice seems far away. My own blood’s all around me, as I try hard not to cry. I can hear the paramedic say, “This girl is going to die.” I’m sure the guy had no idea, while he was flying high, because he chose to drink and drive, now I would have to die. So why do people do it, Mom, Knowing that it ruins lives? And now the pain is cutting me, like a hundred stabbing knives. Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom tell Daddy to be brave, and when I go to heaven, put “Daddy’s Girl” on my grave. Someone should have taught him, that it’s wrong to drink and drive. Maybe if his parents had, I’d still be alive. My breath is getting shorter, Mom I’m getting really scared. These are my final moments, and I’m so unprepared. I wish that you could hold me Mom, as I lie here and die. I wish that I could say I love you, Mom So I love you and good-bye. Here is a little puzzle we hope gives you hours of fun.I had a great time doing it. This is a test to gauge your mental flexibility & creativity. In the 3 years since it has been developed, it has been found that few people could solve more than half on the first day. Many reported getting answers after the test had been set aside, at unexpected moments when their minds were relaxed, & some reported solving it over a period of several days. Have fun. If you wish a copy of the answers,just e-mail us and we will forward it! (For answers just e-mail us the Q and we will send the A) Example: 16= O in a P Answer: 16 ounces in a Pound 1. 26= L in the A 2. 7= D in a W 3. 1001 =A N 4. 12= S of the Z 5. 54= C in a D (with J) 6. 9= P in the S S 7. 88 = P K 8. 13= S on the A F 9. 32= D at which W F 10. 18= H on a G C 11. 90= D in a R A 12. 200= D for P G in M 13. 8= S on a S S 14. 3= B M (S H T R) 15. 4= Q in a G 16. 24= H in a D 17. 1= W on a U 18. 5= D in a Z C 19. 57= H V 20. 11= P on a F B T 21. 1000= W that a P is W 22. 29= D in F in a L Y 23. 64= S on a C B 24. 40= D and N of the G F 25. 76= T in the B P 26. 50= W to L Y L 27. 99= B of B on the W 28. 60= S in a M 29. 1= H on a U 30. 9= J on the S C 31. 7= B for the S B 32. 21= D on a D 33. 7= W of the A W 34. 15= M on a D M C 35. 6= D OF S Old Golfers 'How was your game, dear?' asked Jack's wife Tracy. 'Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went,' he answered. 'But you're 75 years old, Jack!' admonished his wife, 'Why don't you take my brother Scott along?' 'But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore,' protested Jack. 'But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you,' Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. 'Do you see it?' asked Jack. 'Yup,' Scott answered. 'Well, where is it?' yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. 'I forgot.' A man left work Friday afternoon, but, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, hunting with the boys and spending his paycheck without telling his wife. When he appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry spouse, who barraged him for two hours with a tirade of yelling. Finally, she stopped the nagging and simply said to him, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' To which he replied, 'That would be fine with me.' So, Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by and he did not see his wife. Wednesday came and went with the same results. On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- 'Think!' The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- 'Thoap!' Pfizer called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly unstressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created the Top Ten List. After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone. The top ten: 10. Viagra, Whaazzzzz Up! 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper. 8. Viagra, Like a rock! 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. 6. Viagra, Be all that you can be. 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. 3. Viagra, Tastes great! More filling! 2. Viagra, We bring good things to life! And the unanimous number one slogan 1. This is your penis... This is your penis on drugs. A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. 'Grandpa, what are you doing?' he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. 'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.' ______________________________________________________________ My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last: Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker Then she said, 'There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!'. So I bought her an electric chair. Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?'.... I said, 'Dust!' _____________________________________________________________ A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, 'I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. _______________________________________________________________ A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers, 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring him for you?' The husband laughs and says, 'An English girl!' The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, 'So, honey, how was the trip?' 'Very good, thank you.' 'And, what happened to my present?' 'Which present?' 'What I asked for....the English girl? 'Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl!!!' ________________________________________________________________ DEAR ABBY STUMPERS : The following are actual letters that Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) admitted she was at a total loss to answer: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is even his. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two- and-a-half years. He must be crazy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think she is going through her mental pause? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor. What now? ______________________________________________________ Consider these facts Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head. Now this is interesting... Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners. Both successors were named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names comprise fifteen letters. Booth ran from a theater and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And here's the kicker, A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe. ******* Writing exams? Read this! TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE FINALS Twas the night before finals, And all through the college, The students were praying For last minute knowledge. Most were quite sleepy, But none touched their beds, While visions of essays Danced in their heads. Out in the taverns, A few were still drinking, And hoping that liquor Would loosen up their thinking. In my own apartment, I had been pacing, And dreading exams I soon would be facing. My roommate was speechless, His nose in his books, And my comments to him Drew unfriendly looks. I drained all the coffee, And brewed a new pot, No longer caring That my nerves were shot. I stared at my notes, But my thoughts were muddy, My eyes went ablur, I just couldn't study. 'Some pizza might help,' I said with a shiver, But each place I called Refused to deliver. I'd nearly concluded That life was too cruel, With futures depending On grades had in school. When all of a sudden, Our door opened wide, And Patron Saint Put It Off Ambled inside. His spirit was careless, His manner was mellow, He started to bellow: 'What kind of student Would make such a fuss, To toss back at teachers What they tossed at us?' 'On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On last year's exams! On Wingit and Slingit, And last minute crams!' His message delivered, He vanished from sight, But we heard him laughing Outside in the night. 'Your teachers have pegged you, So just do your best. Happy Finals to All, And to All, a good test.' - Chad W. Sclove A CANADIAN HOCKEY JOKE It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. 'No,' says the neighbour. 'The seat is empty.' 'This is incredible', said the man. 'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?' The neighbour says 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.' 'Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?' The man shakes his head 'No. They're all at the funeral.' ______________________________________________________________ OOPS, SHOULD'NT HAVE SAID THAT! ******************************************************************** Leaving Montreal for Quebec, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. As I go in the washroom the first stall is taken so I go in the second stall. As I sit down I hear a voice from the next stall... 'Hi there, how is it going?' I'm not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to do so finally I say: 'Not bad...' The voice says: 'So, what are you doing?' Talk about your dumb questions. I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say: 'Well, I'm just going to the bathroom, then I'm going back east...' Then I hear the person say all flustered: 'Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question - this idiot in the next stall answers me!' ******************************** A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The stewardess responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?' The boy admitted that this was the case. 'Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you.' ********************************************************************* Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. Crowded elevator smell different to midget. ********************************************************** *************************************************** The Boston Symphony Orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. 'Hey! We need to get back!' he cried. 'No need to panic,' said a fellow bassist. 'I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled.' A few moments later, the drunk musicians staggered back into the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy. She pointed this out to her date. 'Well, of course,' said her companion. 'Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.'